Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
