I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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