I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
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I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
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She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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