The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
