I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
