I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
