we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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