The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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