i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
