I wish my penis had an off switch
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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