I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
