this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
