I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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