Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He passed out mid-signature
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
