guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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