Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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