some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
