Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
