Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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