I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
