do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Vodka?
Forever.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
