I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
