we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
