I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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