I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
