the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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