what day is it and did you see me today?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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