Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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