I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
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Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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