Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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