While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
