I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
