it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
