I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize