god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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