real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
