the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
