His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
