I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
