fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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