Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Randomize
