actually, I'm a sock model
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
