Moan for me like Helen Keller
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
