just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
