is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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