That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
