I have demons in me.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
