he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
