I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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