He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
