Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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