Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
