I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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